Disenfranchised losses can delay grief

The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted:

As irritation builds within myself, I wonder what is happening and why am I feeling angry. People tell me I’m so lucky that I don’t have any big losses in my life and should be happy that I have a job, don’t have COVID-19, and overall, my life is good. This is true but it does not mean I don’t still have other losses. Am I being selfish to be feeling losses when other losses in the world seem so big? Thanks,

Percolating with Heat

Dear Percolating,

What an interesting and appropriate name you have chosen in this letter. To percolate means to gradually seep through a porous surface or substance. It sounds like there are areas in your life that have been disenfranchised, and you were told that they were not important by others or yourself, and yet, they have percolated into your psyche and deserve to be seen, heard and valued. Loss comes from many sources and each can impact you differently than others.

There is no true measuring stick of what loss is larger than another, and within the emotional world, the feeling and the impact of that feeling, is particularly important.

What may seem like a small issue for one person may be emotionally devastating to another. Quite often, people are told that it doesn’t really matter, or are shrugged off on an emotional issue as irrelevant, you may feel belittled or unimportant, and think the issue doesn’t really matter.

You may even decide it must not matter as it does not seem to matter to others and tell yourself to dismiss those feelings. Disenfranchised feelings build up and all those “small things” add up and make a heavy emotional wheelbarrow that is hard to navigate.

Resentment can build as irritation of unresolved losses grows. Sometimes that resentment is toward someone, or something that you are trying to express. If someone avoids listening, dismisses or minimizes your feelings in some form or way, they miss the opportunity to for the person in distress to be seen, heard and valued.

You may also do this to yourself by saying that it doesn’t matter, or you should just be grateful for what you have, or any other dismissive self-talk that does not allow you to recognize the emotions you are feeling.

Being able to identify and express emotions is how healing happens, and is difficult due to the level of vulnerability and fear of being rejected in that moment of emotional compromise. Over time, you may even stop trying to express yourself due to the pain of feeling disenfranchised or rejected. You may feel unwanted, invisible, and resentful. Once again, those unresolved feelings continue to percolate and leach passion, love, joy and other important

MAY 13 – 19, 2021 components that allow for the quality of life you deserve.

The amazing thing is most people who are trying to express loss or emotional strife, are not looking to be rescued, schooled, or even fixed but want/need to be witnessed to help break the deafening echo chamber of discomfort within their psyche.

Being willing to identify and express losses allows the pressure and heat of the percolator to subside and healing to happen. Being willing to see, hear and value yourself is key and when someone is able to do that with you ... it is a gift.

May you continue to stay safe and conscious and until next week, take care.