Gaslighting makes you question your sanity

By now, most of us recognize sexual and domestic violence as a pattern of abusive behavior used by one person to gain or maintain power and control over another. To do so, the perpetrator employs a number of tactics to get the upper hand and to facilitate their abuse of their victim.

In previous columns, I have talked about one such tactic, called “grooming,” whereby the abuser gains the trust of parents, children or teens with the goal of sexually abusing a victim. Another tactic is “gaslighting.”

This term comes from a 1930’s play in which an abusive husband maintains control of his wife by convincing her she’s going insane. He repeatedly dims their apartment’s gas lights, little by little, but tells her the darkening house is all in her imagination.

Psychologists and therapists define gaslighting as a type of

psychological or emotional abuse a perpetrator uses to make the victim doubt their own memory,

reality, and ultimately, their own sanity.

Like any form of abuse,

gaslighting usually escalates

slowly, with the victim’s “forgetfulness” or the

gaslighter’s denials

seeming minor at first. Gradually, the victim feels more confused, anxious, and isolated. They lose a sense of their own reality and find themselves relying upon the abuser to define it for them. When that happens,

the victim feels defenseless against whatever the dominating abuser’s

sexual violence or further domestic violence.

As a form of sexual violence, gaslighting is most common among intimate partners and, overwhelmingly, women are the victims. However, family members,

friends, bosses – anyone, really – can be a gaslighter. Regardless of who a perpetrator is, gaslighting

is fundamentally a tool used to discredit someone so as to protect, maintain, and strengthen the

power one has over another. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists the following common gaslighting tactics: WITHHOLDING: The abuser pretends not to understand or refuses to listen, saying things like, “I don’t want to hear this again,” or “You’re trying to confuse me.”

COUNTERING: The abuser questions the victim’s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately, saying things like, “You never remember things right.”

BLOCKING/DIVERTING: The perpetrator changes the subject or questions the victim’s thoughts when the victim tries to bring up the

gaslighting: “Is that another crazy idea you got from your mother?” or “You’re imagining things.”

TRIVIALIZING: The gaslighter makes the victim’s needs or feelings seem

unimportant: “You’re too sensitive” or “Don’t get upset over something so dumb.”

FORGETTING/DENIAL: The abuser pretends to forget what actually

happened or denies things like promises made to the victim: “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” “That never happened,” or “You’re just making stuff up.”

If these situations sound familiar to you – especially in an intimate relationship – it’s likely you’re experiencing gaslighting. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Am I regularly doubting my version of events?

• Do I feel confused when I speak to my partner, and find myself not able to follow their train of thought?

• Am I relying more frequently on my partner to tell me what really happened?

• Am I afraid to share my opinions with my partner for fear I’ll be told I’m wrong?

• Does my partner often make me doubt my intelligence or intuition by calling me “dumb,” “crazy,” or “too sensitive”?

• Am I feeling increasingly more isolated from my friends/family?

If you are experiencing any of these, help is available – call CAV’s 24-hour helpline (575)758-9888.

Malinda Williams is the executive

director of Community Against Violence (CAV) which offers FREE confidential support and assistance for child and adult survivors of sexual and domestic violence, dating violence, stalking, and child/elder

abuse; community and school violence prevention programs; re-education groups for people using power and control in their relationships; counseling; shelter; transitional housing; and

community thrift store. To talk or get information on services, call CAV’s 24-hour hotline at (575) 758-9888 or visit