Graduation time: Celebration, joy and also grief

The Taos News has committed to implement a weekly column to help educate our community about emotional healing through grief. People may write questions to Golden Willow Retreat, and they will be answered privately to you and possibly as a future article for others. Please list a first name that grants permission for printing.

Dear Dr. Ted,

Can you say more about graduation and grief?

Thanks, Karsyn

Dear Karysn,

The dichotomy of graduation and grief seems as wide as the Grand Canyon, but in reality, they walk hand in hand.

Thanks for recognizing that important events include the grief process. Quite often in these articles, there is an echoing reminder that loss can occur any time there is a change in your life, and the reality of who you were in your past is no longer who you are in the present. The grief is the process in which your brain and emotions catch up with the present and help you define who you are now, rather than who you used to be before the loss.

There is loss in completing school even though there might be great excitement, joy, pride and other emotions that society recognizes as positive due to the accomplishment you’ve made. If you think about it, though, someone graduating from high school has defined themselves as a student for at least the last 12 years. Routines, obligations, social events, homework, sports and other extracurricular activities have all been structured around the identity of being a student. So have family discussions, vacations and many more parts of the student’s life. And within a walk across a stage and receiving a diploma, all of this has changed: The old norm is gone, with opportunities for a new life in the unknown; the daily cadence has been removed.

So, the grief process begins in the loss of historical routines now removed, while new routines and plans are transformed into a new norm at college, work, home or whatever and wherever that student chooses to take their next step. This process can be emotional for the graduate, and even for their friends and families. Grief often causes increased emotions that can lead to less discernment in actions. Loss can cause high impulsivity, hypersensitiveness, loss of short-term-memory and hypervigilance. These emotional states can lead to making decisions that can be catastrophic and even deadly. May the graduates and their families take the time to honor this great accomplishment and recognize that the grief process is a tender transition that should not be taken lightly. Graduation can be overwhelming, as there are a multitude of choices that lie ahead. Being aware that there are emotions to these choices can lead to a healthier decision-making process, rather than becoming overwhelmed and making reactionary choices.

Last week I was honored to be at the Taos Academy graduation ceremony. As I looked at the students seated in front of me, I realized this group had been through their last three years in flux due to the pandemic, as well as many secondary losses related to COVID-19. Their entire high school experience was unprecedented and the norm had become a continuous transition to change, with an overbearing danger due to the virus that causes this disease. My heart was full of every feeling possible to know that they were celebrating the chance to move into a time of possible normalcy. This week, Taos High as well as other students will be graduating and my hat goes off to each and every one of them for having the bravery and strength to stay committed to completing school.

May each of our seniors remain aware of the changes that lie ahead so they may navigate the world around them with discernment, reaching out for support when needed and continuing on life’s journey with respect for decision making, life itself and one another. Congratulations, and may your grief process of redefining your new self be a graceful one.

Until the next article, take care.

Golden Willow Retreat is a nonprofit organization focused on emotional healing and recovery from any type of loss. Direct any questions to Dr. Ted Wiard, EdD, LPCC, CGC, Founder of Golden Willow Retreat at gwr@ newmex.com or call at 575776-2024. Weekly virtual grief groups, at no charge, are being offered to help support emotional well-being. Information can be accessed through goldenwillowretreat.org.